I swear, everytime I start going on a Bright Eyes music binge, I know something's wrong. It's kinda sad. The music echoes through my ears and my thoughts are immediately released and uninhibited. All the stresses I try to suppress roam freely without anything to stop them. It's like that late night drive through town... 3am. There's no traffic and the street lamps blink yellow. Yielding is an implied suggestion, but you don't bother. Why not? There's no sign of anything in both directions and you're on an open stretch. The brakes seem unnecessary.

So what's been going on in this head of mine?

I love my parents to death but they seem to piss me off more and more as I get older... and maybe piss me off is the wrong phrase. They don't piss me off, they just make me wonder. Being away from them in London for a couple of months, I thought when I'd return things would be different but they are not. Don't ask me why I thought things would change because I don't know. To make a long story short, my parents agreed to help me pay for going to London. I got the majority of the money myself, but I still needed some assistance. I told my parents a year before going away, they I'd need $1,000, but anything they could offer would be great. They said not to worry, they'd take care of it. I told them if they couldn't do it to tell me immediately so I could find another way of getting the money and they said no worries. They knew how important this was to me. A year later, it's time to go, they don't have the money, and they said it's not their problem. Now I didn't care too much that they didn't have the money. It was the last part that bothered me. "It's not their problem." Yeah... it's not their problem, but to shrug off something that was so important to me and to do it so easily... that hurt. And as much as I want to, I can shake that off.

They ended up taking out a loan to help me, but when I got back, I discovered that the loan was in my name and it was my responsibility to pay it all back even though I never wanted it in the first place. So now, I'm stuck here working a job to pay back money I never wanted in the first place... and again, my parents say it's not their problem... and I know it's not. I guess I just wish they cared more, and they say they do, and they're right. They do. They mention that they put a roof over my head, they bought me a nice car, and that's all great. But it's not what I'm looking for and I don't think they get it.

Me going to London... me going to college... me exploring all these different aspects of my life... I wanted them to... fuck, I dunno. I wanted them to understand. I wanted to get how important to me these things are. I wanted them to be excited about helping me and even if they had disagreements about some of my reasonings, I wanted them to be encouraging... motivating. When I applied to colleges, I wanted them to be excited that I got into the schools I wanted... not say "Well, going there is completely unreasonable." I know they love me, and God knows I love them. I just wish they could silence their opinions or notions on what I should do, so that they can pay more notice to what I am doing... how I feel about what I am doing... what I want to be doing.

I know I sound like I'm bitching... but I'm not. I'm just trying to understand.

Have you ever felt like you’re in a crowd... surrounded by people yet feel completely alone? I feel like that sometimes, and funny thing is that I'm not alone and I know that. It's just small things... really simple things. We could be having a conversation and I'll realize I have nothing to say. It isn't that words escape me. They're just not there. Everyone's talking about something I know nothing about... or something I completely disagree with. They may as well be speaking some unfamiliar language. I don't want to respond because I don't know how. I don't want to respond because I don't want to fall victim to a riot of opinions and concern. So I sit in silence. I shift my eyes some. I may even smirk... just because I like smirking. I don't know why.

     All kinds of good shows are coming up, and I hate the fact that I have no one to go with. I've been to concerts alone, and I've met some kick ass people that way... but there's just something about enjoying a show with someone you know. Forgetting the world for some time, singing to your favourite lyrics, and evaluating the experience afterwards at some deserted Waffle House off of some highway exit you never noticed. I just have some sort of desire to share the things that matter most with someone who has the same interests... it's so much more refreshing when someone feels what you hold close rather than just know.

What... the... hell... am I talking about?! lol

You see... this is what listening to music does to your mind. One thought leads to another, and that thought leads to a word, then to a formulated sentence followed by the unorganized chaos you try so hard to keep locked behind some door in the back of your mind. You try to hold it in until you can make sense of it all... but some things just can't wait.

Standing against the wall at a party, out of place, I can't help but notice that you're the prettiest wallflower I've ever seen.

     I think it's safe to say that Daniel Radcliffe has become an internationally recognized actor. Being the star of Harry Potter, he has raked in millions and has put a face to the immensely popular novels of J.K. Rowling. He's acted out the fantasies of many children, and adults alike, portraying a repressed being who has the power to overcome great obstacles... but recently there is a new obstacle in Harry's path. Crossing over from child actor to success in adulthood. Many have wondered how Radcliffe would make this transition, and even if it were possible to break through the typecasting of a role such as Harry Potter. Late last year, Harry began making the transition by making an appearance in Ricky Gervais's "Extras," a hilarious British comedy. Radcliffe played on the fact that he was the star of Harry Potter, but his role also incorporated the fact that he was a teenager that craved nothing but sex. Apparently that role wasn't enough. Perhaps it didn't make quite the impact he anticipated, but surely, his new role will.

     Daniel is set to star in the critically acclaimed British play, "Equus," written by Peter Shaffer. The play focuses on the idea that today's society has silenced our ability to feel passion. This play is definitely a far cry from Harry Potter, and I don't recommend it for the kiddies. Controversy has already started centering around Daniel's choice to work in this play, as many feel it might do damage to the Harry Potter film franchise. Many also feel that Radcliffe has an obligation to his young fan base, as he is a "role model" for these young children. Parents and some critics feel that this play might tarnish that role model image and furthermore confuse and anger children and their parents. Personally, I think it needs to be done and it has been done in a tasteful manner. If Radcliffe wishes to have success in his adult life and taken seriously as a mature actor, he needs to begin branching out and pushing the envelope. 

*Publicity Photo via Equus Website*

     Radcliffe's character, Alan Strang, is a troubled young male who has an unusually disturbing obsession with horses. This obsession leads him to commit a terrifying act, which results in him going to see a psychologist, Martin Dysart. In his sessions with Strang, Dysart finds himself entranced by the young man's thoughts and feelings to the point where Dysart himself begins to question his own sanity. The exact description of the stage production, as stated on its official website, is as follows:

"Alan Strang (Daniel Radcliffe) seems a normal, obedient 17-year old with a passion for horses. Then one night he blinds six horses with a hoof pick. What drove him to it? His life seems routine, his family loving, his pursuits harmless and yet he has been placed under psychiatric surveillance - an unresponsive patient who is woken each night by terrible nightmares. Only psychiatrist Martin Dysart (Richard Griffiths) seems able to grasp the answer to this psychological puzzle."

     17 year old Radcliffe's decision ensued more controversy when he announced that his lead role in the play would contain nudity. Several of the publicity photos and posters for "Equus" are pretty racy, as that is the nature of the play, but in all honesty, it's fairly creepy as well. Legal age in the United States is 18, therefore Radcliffe is still considered "illegal" by our standards (legal in the UK is 16), and just the fact alone that it's Harry Potter's nearly naked body that's being plastered on posters with scandulous camera angles... that's enough to freak anyone out initially. All in all, this is a smart move. If he wants to be taken seriously, he needs to do serious roles, and well... this role is pretty damn serious. AND speaking of serious...

It seriously makes me sad that Harry Potter is making me feel a bit insecure with my body. Who knew Mr. Potter had it like that? I bet the soccer mom's did. I knew there had to be a reason behind them being just as excited about the films as their kids. I bet they'd love to get a hold of Harry's magic wand, if you will. Yeah... I think I took it too far with that one. Well, I think I should go do a couple hundred push ups now. Who... knew? So disturbing!

So I'm sure everyone can relate to this somehow. Yeah... roommate issues. So I'm having a pretty good time here in London so far, and I hate the fact that things are coming to an end quite quickly. And you know what else I hate? My roommate's habits. I mean, he's a pretty cool guy, but geez. I wish he wasn't such a slob. I think Weezer made a song called "Slob." I like that song. But anyway off topic. Yeah, my roommate is annoying as hell.

He doesn't do the dishes. I don't use any of the dishes and I have never cooked anything. I'm much more of a take-out kind of guy. Keep it simple. But yeah, my roommate loves to cook which isn't an issue. The issue comes after he is done cooking. He always makes a really potent smelling dish like curry, and he nevers eats it all... and rather than put the food in the garbage and take it out (we don't have a garbage disposal), he simply leaves the half-eaten food and dirty pots, pans, and plates in the sink. It's disgusting b/c the food usually consists of some sort of meat, and sitting in the sink in a warm room causes it to rot. So...damn...gross. I mean, I'm not a neat freak or anything, but I cannot stand bad smells and beyond dirty kitchens.

This has been happening for a while, and I thought I'd take care of it by doing the dishes... you know, just to give him a hint. So I did the dishes (which were sooo gross, smelly, and just plain nasty). I seriously had to wear gloves and use heavy duty cleaner. You'd think I was trying to cover up a murder scene. So yeah, I did the dishes, took out the trash, and freshened the room. It was amazing. Even the cleaning lady thanked me for doing it. Lol. So that following week, all is well. He cleans his dishes, takes out his garbage, and things are cool. So I leave for Spain right, have fun, and come back to an apartment that is a complete mess. All kinds of dishes. Garbage bags piled by the door b/c his ass is too lazy to take them outside, and his dirty clothes are everywhere which is another issue!!! He hardly ever does laundry and his clothes begin to smell. And he uses the same towel for nearly 2-3 weeks. Is that normal?! I mean damn... a good night for him is sitting in the room, drinking straight rum, and listening to this really screamo death metal stuff.

And it is impossible for me to have any quiet/alone/nap time b/c he is always there. He's gets up, goes to class, comes back to the apartment in the afternoon, changes into his pajamas, and just stays there and orders a ridiculous amount of take-out (if he doesn't cook). Seriously... he is always there just lying in bed. And he is always watching DVDs he has stored on his computer which is extremely annoying b/c he doesn't feel the need to use headphones. I'll be in the middle of trying to watch Arrested Development or Entourage and out of nowhere he will bust out his computer, turn up the volume really loud, and watch reruns of Scrubs. It pisses me off. Arrested Development and Entourage are the only two shows I watch pretty much, and it never fails... he drowns it out with Scrubs. And he has to know what he's doing b/c I'm visibly watching and showing interesting in my television show. And I mean cool... you interrupt me watching Arrested Development. But Entourage... hell no! Hell no. God it's so aggrevating. And he probably does it because he gets away with it at home. His parents seem like pushovers. He broke his iPod while here in London, called his parents and bitched about it, and when they came over guess what they brought? A brand new iPod, not even out of the box. If I would have broke my iPod and complained to my parents, they would have told me flat-out... "That sucks. You should probably buy a new one." Lol.

But yeah, that's about it. I just had to get that off my chest. I could probably keep going on about it, but I think you get the point. Ugh... I've never had a problem with roommates so why does it have to happen in London? I don't get it. He's a nice guy. He's just all kinds of dirty.

I just got back from Spain last week, and I will update about that soon. Saw Yo La Tengo in concert... amazing. But first the boring stuff...

So I’m sitting in my room, here in London, on a Sunday night. Since I have nothing better to do, I thought I’d write another journal entry. I’m kind of worried about next semester. Well, actually I’m worried… just flat-out worried. My schedule for next semester at university is really busy, and I’m just hoping it doesn’t get the best of me. I just hope I can handle it. It’s not too late to make changes, but I really need to keep it like it is because there’s a lot I need to get done. I was only allowed to take 12 credit hours here in London so that kind of set me behind, and if I’m planning to go to New York next fall, I really need to do some serious work this semester and over the summer. I just hope I don’t burn myself out. Here’s how my schedule for Spring Semester looks so far:

Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday
8-850 (Writing Course)	8-915 (Management Communications)	8-850 (Writing Course)	8-915 (Management Communications)	8-850 (Writing Course)
9-950 (Mass Media)	11-1215 (Public Relations in Music Industry)	9-950 (Mass Media)	11-1215 (Public Relations in Music Industry)	9-950 (Mass Media)
11-1150 (Junior  Seminar)	230-5 (Volunteer)	11-1150 (Junior Seminar)	230-5 (Volunteer)	11-1150 (Junior Seminar)
1-? (Internship)	6-8 (Foreign Language)	1-4 (Internship)		1-? (Internship)
		530-930* (Comparative Spirituality)

*Comparative Spirituality class meets through Mid March to beginning of May

So yeah, that is my schedule. And on top of that, I have duties as Vice President of one of the Music Business organizations (which doesn’t seem to be doing much of anything). I also hope to continue being a writer for the music business newspaper at my school. I don’t think I’ll have time to pursue Student Leadership Council again. It would be great if I could but I think I’ll have to leave that alone for now. I don’t know if I’ll have the time to join other clubs. I also want to be able to work a part-time job on the weekends. Wow… now that I’ve typed all of that out, it does seem like a lot to ask of myself. But it if I want to graduate on time and have some money in my account, it needs to be done. If anything, I’ll just drop the Management Communications class. It’s just that I don’t want my last semester of university (Spring 2008) to be me cramming in all these required classes. I want my last semester to be not so stressful,  and me taking classes I’m interested in.

Wow… my last semester of uni. That’s so strange to think about. It’s only a year away. And then what? Grad School, maybe? If so, I would like to do that abroad. But how will I fund that? I already have student loans to pay off. I can hear my mom and dad now. Argh… Maybe I’ll have a job lined up for me when I graduate. That would be amazing. I’ve heard of it happening to other people at school, but what would that job be? Would I have to move? I hope so. Would it pay well? Could I support myself? Would I still try to go to Grad School? Is that even necessary? Ugh… so many questions. I guess it’s just kind of scary. My last semester is coming up and I don’t really have much of a game plan. The only things I do know, is that I eventually want to make it back to Europe… for good. That and I want to continue learning foreign languages. I just have to figure out a way to make these things happen… getting back to Europe soon, perhaps setting up life here, continuing learning languages, and holding down a job that I’m satisfied with. Hmn… I wonder what everyone else’s plans are. Do they have their things order? I’m sure I can’t be the only one questioning where to go and what to do after this uni thing is done. Well… I guess I better figure something out. I don’t need to answer all my questions, but I guess answering some would help, yes? I just need to get the wheels in motion, and once I get some motion going on, I just need to be sure we’re headed in the right direction, whatever that may be.

Yeah… it is kind of scary. But I can’t help but wonder where I’ll be in 5 years and what I’ll be doing there. Hopefully, it’ll be in some sweet location and I’ll be doing something wicked. That would be nice.